I’m not going to share a lot about myself but I feel it is necessary for me to share my journey towards acceptance.
Accepting Braxton as he is.
Just like any loss there is a process to accepting life changing news.
Denial, anger, and depression are still things I deal with. Not always on a daily basis. They pop up every once in a while.
Not long ago I found myself at bargaining. I wished it all away. Wished things were different. Wished there was a way to make things better. Wished I could trade him places or take it all back.
Although I still struggle, I am finding myself closer to acceptance. Accepting life as it is. Weekly appointments and lists of unknown.
The beautiful little boy who has changed my life in so many ways deserves to be all of my happiness and not sadness.
I am learning to enjoy all the little improvements and new things as they come.
Everyone tells me I’m so strong to be able to go about life knowing some of my dreams for him may not come true.
I am not the strength and bravery. That little boy who spent ten days in the hospital, the little boy who suffers the seizures once a month is the strength and bravery in my life.
I don’t find it fair to him to look into his happy little eyes and allow myself to be depressed.
Guilt is something I feel should be part of the cycle. I feel guilty about so many things more often than any other emotion.
I feel guilty for being saddened by life. I feel guilty for allowing myself to get frustrated. I feel guilty for allowing my feelings to take over. I often find ways that make me the one to blame. I know I cannot control anything that has happened but I let my emotions run crazy more often than not.
Braxton has made me a better person. A person who doesn’t want negativity consuming me. Someone who can find beauty in all things. Don’t sweat the small stuff truly has so much meaning when you’re thrown a curveball in life.
